Sunday, July 19, 2015

funny joles

When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
.......................................................................
 
 
 
Between  the devil and the deep sea
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
 
'Hello.'  
 
'Mrs. Sanders, please .'
 
'Speaking.'
 
'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes' Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.. Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
 
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
 
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
 
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
 
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
 
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
 
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
 
.......................................................................
 
Mistakes & Mistakes  
 
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style 
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path 
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture 
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation 
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law 
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention 
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion 
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory 
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea 
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only !!!
 
.......................................................................
 
Get in Line
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
 
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
 
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
 
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
 
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
 
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
 
"My wife's."
 
''What happened to her?"
 
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
 
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
 
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." 
 
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men. 
"Can I borrow the dog?"
 
The man replied, "Get in line." 
.......................................................................
 
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
 
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” 
 
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
 
.......................................................................
 
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
 
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
 
When my business failed, you were there.
 
When I got shot, you were by my side.
 
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
 
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
 
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
.
.
.
I think you are bad luck. 
.......................................................................
 
A bus full of housewives  going on a picnic, fell into a river, all died .
Each husband cried for a week,
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
 
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No My wife missed the bus !!!
.........................................................................
 
A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away. 
At the funeral house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!" 
A family member pulled her aside and asked:
"What did you know?"
She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!"
 
-----------------------------------------------
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______
 
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
 
TEACHER:     Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER:     No, that's wrong
GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
                          (I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
 
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
 
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
 
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:           Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________
 
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:           All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
____________ _________ _________ __
 
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
____________ _________ _________ ________
 
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
--
 
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
 
TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher
____________ _________ _________ ____
 
Philosophy 101

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom.
 
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
 
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
 
Test of Three?"
 
"That's right,"Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
 
The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
 
No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
 
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not.
 
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"
 
"No, on the contrary..."
 
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him
even though you're not certain it's true?"
 
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
 
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though,because there is a third
test -the filter of
Usefulness.
 
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
 
"No, not really...."
 
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
 
The man was defeated and ashamed.
 
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high esteem.
 
------------------------------------------
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 
Post a Comment