Sunday, July 19, 2015

funny jokes

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the  Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" 
"Of course. What may I do for you ?" 
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hairdryer that is well  over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under Your robes perhaps?"  
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:  I will  not lie." 
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." 
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.  
 
The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" 
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 
"And what do you  have to declare from your waist to the floor?"  
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but  which is, to date, unused."  
 
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next please." 
 
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Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
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Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
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Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
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Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
 
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
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Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Malaysia , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is  A sick eagle."
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Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level" 
 
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The Hearse
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A  black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law.   She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
 
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
 
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
 
When my business failed, you were there.
 
When I got shot, you were by my side.
 
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
 
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
 
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
.
.
 

'I think you're bad luck.'
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