Saturday, July 25, 2015

Last year, the Russians started digging an Archeological site in Siberia. After digging 500ft, they found some copper wire dating back 5,000 years. Thus, they concluded that their ancestors had been using copper wired telephones as far back as 5,000 years ago.

Not to be outdone, the Americans started digging their own site too. At 800ft,they found some Fibre Optic material dating back to 8,000 years! The logical conclusion? Their anscectors were better than the Russians. They had Fibre optics way before the Russian copper-wired telephones.

As the debate raged, the Nigerians decided to commence digging somewhere around Jigawa state( I was in the Archeology team cool)...We dug all the way to 1,200 feet and found---nothing shocked. The obvious conclusion? Our fore fathers had been using WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY over 12 thousand years ago...


A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in."


One day, 4 men went up to a mountain to give a sacrifice to their god. they were Nigerian, Chinese, English, and Indian.

English man: "this is for my people". and he jumped down the mountain.

Chinese man: "this is for my people" and he jumped down.

when it was the Nigerian's turn, he says: " this is for my people" and he pushes the Indian man down the mountain.


funny jokes about plane crash

A plane was about to crash and 3 women were planning how they would be rescued after the crash.

The jewish woman put on her expensive diamonds...''the rescuers will see the sparkle and rescue me first'' she reasoned.

The French woman started applying her make-up..''well, I hope they see all the colour combination and they get to rescue me first''.

The Nigeria woman stripped Unclad just a few seconds to the crash. ''Why did u do that?'' the other ladies asked her.
''Well, everybody knows that the first thing they look for after a plane crash is...the black box!''


There was a plane going overseas. The pilot realized after they had taken off that the plane was carrying too much weight. If they didn't lighten the load they were going to crash.

So they dumped the freight.

The plane was still too heavy. Then they dumped the luggage. Still too heavy! So the pilot announced to the passengers what was going on, and asked for about 15 volunteers to jump off the plane with a parachute. The navy had been alerted, so they would have ships waiting for them below. And they would get a pass to fly free on this airline for the rest of their lives.

No one budged.

The pilot asked again, still no one moved.

So the pilot says: "OK, we're going to do pick people to jump, but fairly.

We'll go by alphabet, race by race: Please All African Americans step to the front of the plane now!"

No one moved.

He then says: "All Blacks, step to the front, please."

No one still moved.

"All Coloreds step to the front, please."

Still no one moved.

At this point a little boy asked his father: "Dad, aren't we African American or Black or Colored?"

The father says: "No, son, today we're Negroes. And if someone doesn't hurry up and step up to the front, we're gonna be Zulu!"


Sunday, July 19, 2015

heart chelation therapy ii

Study finds heart chelation therapy effective  but raises questions    ii

By Elizabeth Cohen and John Bonifield, CNN
November 6, 2012


Dangerously low calcium levels

According to the Mayo Clinic, some doctors think chelation helps heart patients because the medication being infused into patients binds to calcium in their clogged arteries, sweeping it away.

But "sweeping" calcium away is a double-edged sword. While it might help unclog coronary arteries, it might also lead to deadly low calcium levels in the blood, as happened to the three people whose deaths were described in the CDC report.

That's one reason why the National Institutes of Health required that the infusions be done at a slow rate -- over a period of three hours or more -- so problems like low calcium levels could be caught easily.

In a series of letters to the study's authors, the Department of Health and Human Service's Office for Human Research Protection cited several concerns about the study, including that the researchers hadn't followed the rules about doing the infusions at a slow rate.

In one letter, the government overseers expressed concern that infusions were performed in "shorter than recommended" times in 440 instances, involving 251 subjects.

The study was stopped from September 2008 until June 2009 to respond to the government's concerns.

A question of significance

In addition to possible safety problems, there are concerns that the study was poorly done and doesn't actually show that chelation works.

In the study, researchers divided the patients into two groups. One group of 839 patients received 40 infusions of a chemical drug solution called disodium EDTA.

Another group of 869 patients received infusions with a placebo solution of salt and sugar water. Neither the patients nor the doctors knew who was receiving which treatment.

Among the patients receiving chelation, 26% went on to have a cardiovascular event, such as death, heart attack or stroke. Among the placebo group, 30% went on to have a cardiovascular event.

According to the authors' analysis, this four-percentage-point difference was barely statistically significant, leading Lamas to note that the difference may have been by chance, not because chelation actually worked.

Further watering down the report is the fact that a relatively large number of patients -- 17% -- dropped out of the study.

Experts say patients usually drop out of studies when things aren't going well -- when they're having bad side effects, for example, or when the therapy isn't working. But since they dropped out, their results can't be included in the study.

"This study was so badly done and the results are so marginal from a statistical perspective that this therapy can't be recommended," said Nissen, the Cleveland Clinic cardiologist.

"Making a treatment decision about a life-threatening disease based on poor-quality scientific data can be dangerous," he added. "History has taught us that when this happens, considerable harm can come to patients."

The future of chelation

Kalidas, the chelation practitioner in Florida, said he hopes these new study results will help persuade insurance companies to start paying for chelation.

But insurance companies usually only pay for treatments that are FDA approved -- and there's little chance the FDA would approve chelation for heart disease based on this study, experts say.

"This would never pass muster at the FDA," said Nissen, the former chairman of the FDA advisory panel that examines applications to put new heart drugs on the market.

heart chelation therapy

Study finds heart chelation therapy effective  but raises questions

By Elizabeth Cohen and John Bonifield, CNN
November 6, 2012


  • Chelation therapy for heart patients involves a series of IV drug infusions
  • A new study shows the therapy was effective at preventing heart problems
  • But some experts are challenging the validity of the study and its results
  • The study "raises more questions that must be answered," says one expert

(CNN) -- In results that are stunning cardiologists, a new study shows a "fringe" alternative treatment for heart disease was found to be very effective at preventing heart problems -- but the report is so controversial even its lead author is questioning the results.

The patients in the study had had heart attacks, and were assigned to receive either a placebo or a series of intravenous drug infusions called chelation therapy, an unorthodox treatment that has long been looked down upon by cardiologists.

In the report -- the first large, long-term trial of chelation for heart patients -- the therapy reduced the risk of heart attacks, deaths, strokes and other cardiovascular problems by 18%.

"If this were true, it would be significant. It would put this therapy in the same ballpark as high blood pressure drugs, or drugs used to lower cholesterol," said Dr. Steven Nissen, chair of the department of cardiovascular medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, who doubts the results of the study.

A doctor with the American Heart Association warned that the results "should not be interpreted as an indication to adopt chelation therapy into clinical practice."

"(The study) raises more questions that must be answered before we're ready to act on the observations reported today," said Dr. Elliott Antman, professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School.

Even the lead author of the study tempered his enthusiasm about the results by warning that they might not be valid.

"The most exciting part of this study is that there may be an unexpected signal of benefit," Dr. Gervasio Lamas, chief of Columbia University Division of Cardiology at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, Florida, said in a press release put out by the American Heart Association. "We need to understand whether the signal is true, or whether it occurred by chance."

Safety concerns

Doctors who practice chelation welcomed the new study results, which were announced at the American Heart Association's annual meeting in Los Angeles.

These doctors believe chelation can help remove heavy metals from the body. Chelation is approved by the Food and Drug Administration for the treatment of lead poisoning, but doctors are free to use it for other purposes.

"I'll be pushing this data to my patients, and I'll be reaching out to local cardiologists, because chelation should be a part of the regular regimen for heart patients, like taking an aspirin or a statin," said Dr. Kirti Kalidas, who charges his heart patients in Orlando, Florida, around $3,000 for a full round of chelation treatments.

This enthusiasm is exactly what frightens many doctors. Chelation is already popular -- more than 100,000 people said they'd used it in the past 12 months, according to a 2007 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention -- and they fear the new study results will encourage more people to use it.

In 2006, the CDC reported that two children and one adult had died after receiving chelation. They all developed dangerously low calcium levels, which can cause the heart to stop beating.

In this new study, one patient receiving the therapy died and another had a "severe adverse event." Both events were "possibly or definitely related to study therapy," according to the study author's slide presentation. A patient who received a placebo solution also died, and another had an adverse event.

It wasn't clear from the presentation exactly how the patients were harmed, and Lamas, the lead study author, declined to answer questions about the study until the research is published in a medical journal.

Some doctors worry patients will hear only the positive results of the study and not the possible dangers, and would opt for it over proven treatments such as bypass surgery.

"I'm fearful that patients will hear the sales pitch for this treatment and, not being well-versed in medicine, will succumb to the seduction of this therapy," said Nissen, adding that chelation might sound more appealing than an invasive procedure like bypass surgery.

Dr. Kimball Atwood agrees. In an article about the chelation trial, Atwood and his colleagues labeled the $30 million study funded at taxpayer expense by the federal National Institutes of Health "unethical, dangerous, pointless, and wasteful" and called for it to be abandoned.

"These new study results will encourage chelationists, and state medical boards will be loath to step in because the chelationists have this study on their side," said Atwood, a clinical assistant professor of anesthesiology at Tufts Medical Center.

"Every now and then somebody will get killed," he added.

Kalidas, the doctor who practices chelation, disagreed, saying this study would help -- not hurt -- patients.

"Chelation has been lifesaving for hundreds of my patients," he said.

Red wine and resveratrol:

Red wine and resveratrol: Good for your heart?  Resveratrol in grapes, supplements and other foods 

Source :- Mayo clinic/health
The resveratrol in red wine comes from the skin of grapes used to make wine. Because red wine is fermented with grape skins longer than is white wine, red wine contains more resveratrol. Simply eating grapes, or drinking grape juice, has been suggested as one way to get resveratrol without drinking alcohol. Red and purple grape juices may have some of the same heart-healthy benefits of red wine.
Other foods that contain some resveratrol include peanuts, blueberries and cranberries. It's not yet known how beneficial eating grapes or other foods might be compared with drinking red wine when it comes to promoting heart health. The amount of resveratrol in food and red wine can vary widely.
Resveratrol supplements are also available. While researchers haven't found any harm in taking resveratrol supplements, most of the resveratrol in the supplements can't be absorbed by your body.
How does alcohol help the heart?
Various studies have shown that moderate amounts of all types of alcohol benefit your heart, not just alcohol found in red wine. It's thought that alcohol:
Raises high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, the "good" cholesterol
Reduces the formation of blood clots
Helps prevent artery damage caused by high levels of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol, the "bad" cholesterol
Drink in moderation — or not at all
Red wine's potential heart-healthy benefits look promising. Those who drink moderate amounts of alcohol, including red wine, seem to have a lower risk of heart disease. However, more research is needed before we know whether red wine is better for your heart than are other forms of alcohol, such as beer or spirits.
Neither the American Heart Association nor the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute recommend that you start drinking alcohol just to prevent heart disease. Alcohol can be addictive and can cause or worsen other health problems.
Drinking too much increases your risk of high blood pressure, high triglycerides, liver damage, obesity, certain types of cancer, accidents and other problems. In addition, drinking too much alcohol regularly can cause cardiomyopathy — weakened heart muscle — causing symptoms of heart failure in some people. If you have heart failure or a weak heart, you should avoid alcohol completely. If you take aspirin daily, you should avoid or limit alcohol, (from Nga --- I think you just take it different time and in limited red wine) depending on your doctor's advice. You also shouldn't drink alcohol if you're pregnant. If you have questions about the benefits and risks of alcohol, talk to your doctor about specific recommendations for you.
If you already drink red wine, do so in moderation. Moderate drinking is defined as an average of two drinks a day for men and one drink a day for women. The limit for men is higher because men generally weigh more and have more of an enzyme that metabolizes alcohol than women do.


Sirtuins Resveratrol

Sirtuins  Resveratrol

by RealSelf Blog 
What are Sirtuins?
Sirtuins are a family of proteins found in organisms ranging from bacteria and plants to humans.
According to Los Angeles plastic surgeon John Gross, MD “sirtuins occur naturally within the human body, and when stimulated they can stop the aging clock.” More specifically, sirtuins are defined as a class of seven different naturally occurring enzymes essential to the survival of cells, regulation of metabolic processes and in some cases even as a biological defense mechanism.
What do sirtuins mean for skin?
Basically, sirtuins help prolong the life of cells—so if sirtuins are stimulated then the aging of skin can be prohibited and promote cell longevity.
What stimulates sirtuins?
The original studies on sirtuins were actually related to sirtuin activation as a result of calorie-restriction; according to a New York Timesarticle (6/4/08) the studies, carried out on laboratory rodents, revealed a connection between tissue-preservation and a famine-like diet. In 2003, it was discovered that sirtuins could be activated by some natural compounds--resveratrol being the most touted. Resveratrol is an ingredient found in some red wines—it comes from the skins of red grapes. Resveratrol has also become a popular ingredient in anti-aging skin care.
You may have heard of studies that show animals on calorie-restricted diets live longer, are healthier and show fewer signs of age than those fed normal diets. Though we don't fully understand why, it appears that sirtuins are the key. A growing body of research shows that sirtuins may slow the pace of aging by delaying cell death and protecting cells from DNA damage.
It's unknown whether calorie-restricted diets have the same effects on humans as on fruit flies and monkeys, but it may turn out not to matter-we're learning that you don't need to starve yourself to put sirtuins into action.
A research company called Sirtris demonstrated that resveratrol, an antioxidant found in the skin of red grapes, stimulated expression of sirtuins. Mice placed on high doses of resveratrol improved insulin resistance, prevented weight gain and increased lifespan by 20 percent. When put on a treadmill, the mice were also able to run twice as far and twice as fast than those not given resveratrol.
The New York Times/Well blog
Nicholas Wade
March 11, 2013
New Optimism on Resveratrol
A cloud has long hung over the intriguing thesis that resveratrol, a minor ingredient of red wine, activates cellular proteins known as sirtuins that promote longer life in laboratory worms, flies and mice.
Critics have suggested that there were errors in the original experiments and that resveratrol did not in fact activate sirtuins directly. If so, resveratrol would lose much of its scientific interest because its link to the sirtuin would be unclear. But a new study led by David Sinclair of the Harvard Medical School, who in 2003 was a discoverer of resveratrol’s role in activating sirtuins, found that resveratrol did indeed influence sirtuin directly, though in a more complicated way than previously thought. Resveratrol appears to work by changing the shape of the sirtuin proteins in a cell. Thus activated, the sirtuins do several things, one of which is to switch on a second protein that spurs production of the mitochondria, which provide the cell’s energy. This would explain why mice treated with resveratrol ran twice as far on a treadmill before collapsing from exhaustion as untreated mice.
The exact knowledge of resveratrol’s mode of action, if confirmed, is welcome news for Sirtris, the company Dr. Sinclair helped found to explore whether resveratrol-mimicking drugs could avert the diseases of aging. Resveratrol itself is not ideal as a drug, for technical and patent reasons.
A version of this article appeared in print on 03/12/2013, on page D4 of the NewYork edition with the headline: Nutrition: New Optimism on Resveratrol.

Sources of resveratrol: red grapes, grapeseed and red wines.

The Recipe for Preventing A Stroke:

The Recipe for Preventing A Stroke:  1 Coffee, 4 Green Teas a Day    

By Lylah M. Alphonse, Senior Editor, Yahoo! Shine | Healthy Living
Coffee lovers and green tea enthusiasts, unite! A new study out of Japan shows that people who drink both beverages every day have a lower risk of stroke than those who drink just one or the other (or neither). 
Researchers have been touting the antioxidant properties of green tea for years, and recent studies show that your daily coffee fix boosts more than just your energy levels. But putting the two drinks together—not in the same cup, of course—may help you reap the health benefits of both. 
Researchers looked at the coffee and tea consumption habits of almost 82,369 Japanese adults over 13 years and found that people who had a cup of coffee every day were 20 percent less likely to have a stroke (compared to those who didn't drink coffee at all). But that's not to say that coffee is better for you than tea. In fact, the study noted that people who drank four or more cups of green tea a day were also about 20 percent less likely to have a stroke. Since the two drinks help prevent strokes in different ways, drinking both can lower your risk of stroke more than just drinking one or the other, the study authors explained. 
"This is the first large-scale study to examine the combined effects of both green tea and coffee on stroke risks," the study's lead author, Dr. Yoshihiro Kokubo of Japan's National Cerebral and Cardiovascular Center, said in a statement. "You may make a small but positive lifestyle change to help lower the risk of stroke by adding daily green tea to your diet." 
The study was published this week in the American Heart Association's journal, Stroke. The results took into account differences in participants' age, gender, smoking, alcohol, weight, diet, and exercise habits. 
According to the National Stroke Association, a stroke occurs when a blood clot blocks an artery in the brain, or when a blood vessel breaks, causing an interruption of blood flow to the brain. Brain cells begin to die, damaging the brain and affecting the actions—usually speech, movement, and memory—controlled by the part of the brain where the stroke has occurred. 
"The regular action of drinking tea [and] coffee largely benefits cardiovascular health because it partly keeps blood clots from forming," Kokubo explained.
Green tea can have an anti-inflammatory effect on the body. It also contains compounds known as catechins, which can help regulate blood pressure and improve blood flow, Kokobo told National Public Radio. And coffee has more to it than just caffeine—it also contains quinides, compounds that can help control blood sugar, which cuts your risk of stroke by reducing your risk of Type 2 diabetes. 
The researchers wrote that the "combination of higher green tea and coffee consumptions contributed to the reduced risk of stroke as an interaction effect for each other," The Daily Mail reported.
Given that tea and coffee are consumed regularly in many countries, the results of the study could apply to people around the world, the researchers wrote. Americans may already be drinking enough coffee and tea to get the benefits: A typical cup of coffee or tea in Japan is just 6 ounces, while a grande coffee at Starbucks is 16 ounces.


Heavy Chocolate Consumption May Be Linked to Heart Health, Study Suggests

Heavy Chocolate Consumption May Be Linked to  Heart Health, Study Suggests

Source:- BMJ-British Medical Journal (2011, August 30). Heavy chocolate consumption may be linked to heart health, study suggests. ScienceDaily.
Aug. 30, 2011 — High levels of chocolate consumption might be associated with a one third reduction in the risk of developing heart disease, suggests a study published online in the British Medical Journal.
The findings confirm results of existing studies that generally agree on a potential beneficial link between chocolate consumption and heart health. However, the authors stress that further studies are needed to test whether chocolate actually causes this reduction or if it can be explained by some other unmeasured (confounding) factor.
The findings were presented at the European Society of Cardiology Congress in Paris.
The World Health Organisation predicts that by 2030, nearly 23.6 million people will die from heart disease. However, lifestyle and diet are key factors in preventing heart disease, says the paper.
A number of recent studies have shown that eating chocolate has a positive influence on human health due to its antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. This includes reducing blood pressure and improving insulin sensitivity (a stage in the development of diabetes).
However, the evidence about how eating chocolate affects your heart still remains unclear. So, Dr Oscar Franco and colleagues from the University of Cambridge carried out a large scale review of the existing evidence to evaluate the effects of eating chocolate on cardiovascular events like heart attack and stroke.
They analysed the results of seven studies, involving over 100,000 participants with and without existing heart disease. For each study, they compared the group with the highest chocolate consumption against the group with the lowest consumption. Differences in study design and quality were also taken into account to minimise bias.
Five studies reported a beneficial link between higher levels of chocolate consumption and the risk of cardiovascular events. They found that the "highest levels of chocolate consumption were associated with a 37% reduction in cardiovascular disease and a 29% reduction in stroke compared with lowest levels." No significant reduction was found in relation to heart failure.
The studies did not differentiate between dark or milk chocolate and included consumption of chocolate bars, drinks, biscuits and desserts.
The authors say the findings need to be interpreted with caution, in particular because commercially available chocolate is very calorific (around 500 calories for every 100 grams) and eating too much of it could lead to weight gain, risk of diabetes and heart disease.
However, they conclude that given the health benefits of eating chocolate, initiatives to reduce the current fat and sugar content in most chocolate products should be explored.
Journal Reference:
1.A. Buitrago-Lopez, J. Sanderson, L. Johnson, S. Warnakula, A. Wood, E. Di Angelantonio, O. H. Franco. Chocolate consumption and cardiometabolic disorders: systematic review and meta-analysis. BMJ, 2011; 343 (aug26 1): d4488 DOI: 10.1136/bmj.d4488


Chocolate: A Sweet Method for Stroke Prevention in Men?

Chocolate: A Sweet Method for Stroke Prevention in Men?

Source: American Academy of Neurology (2012, August 29). Chocolate: A sweet method for stroke prevention in men?. ScienceDaily.
Aug. 29, 2012 — Eating a moderate amount of chocolate each week may be associated with a lower risk of stroke in men, according to a new study published in the August 29, 2012, online issue of Neurology®, the medical journal of the American Academy of Neurology. "While other studies have looked at how chocolate may help cardiovascular health, this is the first of its kind study to find that chocolate, may be beneficial for reducing stroke in men," said study author Susanna C. Larsson, PhD, with the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden.
For the study, 37,103 Swedish men ages 49 to 75 were given a food questionnaire that assessed how often they consumed various foods and drinks and were asked how often they had chocolate. Researchers then identified stroke cases through a hospital discharge registry. Over 10 years, there were 1,995 cases of first stroke.

Men in the study who ate the largest amount of chocolate, about one-third of a cup of chocolate chips (63 grams) per week, had a lower risk of stroke compared to those who did not consume any chocolate. Those eating the highest amount of chocolate had a 17-percent lower risk of stroke, or 12 fewer strokes per 100,000 person-years compared to those who ate no chocolate. Person-years is the total number of years that each participant was under observation.

In a larger analysis of five studies that included 4,260 stroke cases, the risk of stroke for individuals in the highest category of chocolate consumption was 19 percent lower compared to non-chocolate consumers. For every increase in chocolate consumption of 50 grams per week, or about a quarter cup of chocolate chips, the risk of stroke decreased by about 14 percent.

"The beneficial effect of chocolate consumption on stroke may be related to the flavonoids in chocolate. Flavonoids appear to be protective against cardiovascular disease through antioxidant, anti-clotting and anti-inflammatory properties. It's also possible that flavonoids in chocolate may decrease blood concentrations of bad cholesterol and reduce blood pressure," said Larsson.

"Interestingly, dark chocolate has previously been associated with heart health benefits, but about 90 percent of the chocolate intake in Sweden, including what was consumed during our study, is milk chocolate," Larsson added.

The study was supported by the Swedish Council for Working Life and Social Research, the Swedish Research Council/Committee for Infrastructure and the Karolinska Institute.



Dark Chocolate Prevent Heart Problems

Dark Chocolate Could Prevent Heart Problems  in High-Risk People

Source: BMJ-British Medical Journal (2012, May 31). Dark chocolate could prevent heart problems in high-risk people. ScienceDaily.
May 31, 2012 — Daily consumption of dark chocolate can reduce cardiovascular events, such as heart attacks and strokes, in people with metabolic syndrome (a cluster of factors that increases the risk of developing heart disease and diabetes), finds a study published in the British Medical Journal.
Cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death worldwide. Dark chocolate (containing at least 60% cocoa solids) is rich in flavonoids -- known to have heart protecting effects -- but this has only been examined in short term studies.
So a team of researchers from Melbourne, Australia used a mathematical model to predict the long-term health effects and cost effectiveness of daily dark chocolate consumption in 2,013 people already at high risk of heart disease.
All participants had high blood pressure and met the criteria for metabolic syndrome, but had no history of heart disease or diabetes and were not on blood pressure lowering therapy.
With 100% compliance (best case scenario), the researchers show that daily dark chocolate consumption could potentially avert 70 non-fatal and 15 fatal cardiovascular events per 10,000 people treated over 10 years.
Even when compliance levels were reduced to 80%, the number of non-fatal and fatal events potentially averted was 55 and 10 per 10,000 people treated over 10 years, and could still be considered an effective intervention strategy.
The model also suggested that $A40 (£25; €31; $42) could be cost effectively spent per person per year on dark chocolate prevention strategies and could be used for advertising, educational campaigns, or subsidizing dark chocolate in this high risk population, they add.
The authors stress that only non-fatal stroke and non-fatal heart attack were assessed in their analysis, and that the potential effects on other cardiovascular events, such as heart failure, are yet to be tested.
Also important, they say, is that these protective effects have only been shown for dark chocolate (at least 60-70% cocoa), rather than for milk or white chocolate, probably due to the higher levels of flavonoids found in dark chocolate.
Journal Reference:
1.E. Zomer, A. Owen, D. J. Magliano, D. Liew, C. M. Reid. The effectiveness and cost effectiveness of dark chocolate consumption as prevention therapy in people at high risk of cardiovascular disease: best case scenario analysis using a Markov model. BMJ, 2012; 344 (may30 3): e3657 DOI: 10.1136/bmj.e3657

funny jokes

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When  girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted  Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love  u?To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?Well, because no  matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have  to do it  again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex withtheir husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life? Life: Not really. It only  happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old  man's dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still  getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week.  Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.The Lord Almighty sentenced  them to : Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy  just screwed me twice!Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby isthe result  of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would  you get?Tit-Bits.And if it bursts in a man's  underwear?Banana split.
Swiss Jokes
What is so good about being Swiss? 
Well, the flag is a Big plus.
A Mafia Don walks into a Swiss bank. He is accompanied by several henchmen who whip out machine-guns.
The Don says, "Do as I say and nobody gets hurt! Bring me the manager."
The manager comes out and the Don says, "Members of my organisation have been swindling me out of money and depositing it in this bank. Give me their names and I'll let you live."
The manager replies, "We Swiss bankers never give out the names of our customers."
The Don shouts, "This is your last warning! Give me the names or we kill you and everyone in this building!"
But the manager says, "We Swiss bankers would rather die than betray the trust of our clients."
So the Don nods to his henchmen and they put their machine-guns away. Then he starts pulling thick wads of hundred-dollar bills from his pockets and says,
"I would like to open an account here, please."  

funny joles

When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Between  the devil and the deep sea
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Mrs. Sanders, please .'
'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes' Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.. Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Mistakes & Mistakes  
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style 
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path 
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture 
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation 
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law 
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention 
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion 
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory 
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea 
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only !!!
Get in Line
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." 
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men. 
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line." 
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” 
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
I think you are bad luck. 
A bus full of housewives  going on a picnic, fell into a river, all died .
Each husband cried for a week,
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No My wife missed the bus !!!
A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away. 
At the funeral house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!" 
A family member pulled her aside and asked:
"What did you know?"
She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!"
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER:     Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER:     No, that's wrong
GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
                          (I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:           Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:           All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
____________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
____________ _________ _________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher
____________ _________ _________ ____
Philosophy 101

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
Test of Three?"
"That's right,"Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him
even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though,because there is a third
test -the filter of
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really...."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high esteem.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


funny jokes

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding ,he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
 Marriage (Part II)

 Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
 The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
  'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

Marriage (Part III)
 Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
 Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and  decides to make amends and rings her up.
 She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
 'In bed this early, doing what?'
 'Getting a second opinion!' 

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. 
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.  The man decides  that it IS time to go home and wants to find out
if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice,
'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
 His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' 
 A man and his wife were having some problems at home  and were giving each other the silent treatment.
 Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence  (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left iit where he knew she would find it.
 The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was  9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
 The paper  said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.   
 God may have created man before woman, but there  is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."?

funny jokes

Three Citibank employees - a Clerical, an Officer and an OIC (Department Head) are walking through a park on their way to lunch. When they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Clerical. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the Officer. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the OIC.
The OIC says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
A nice, pleasant and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband..... that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you
had a prescription!"*
A wife asked her husband to describe her .....
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K ?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!! : )

funny jokes

A pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didn't know we had a choice."
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

funny jokes

A touching story    
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad
news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Looking at Others  
9 Things I Hate About Everyone  
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?    
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!  
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.    
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.   
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? 

funny jokes

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the  Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" 
"Of course. What may I do for you ?" 
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hairdryer that is well  over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under Your robes perhaps?"  
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:  I will  not lie." 
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." 
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.  
The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" 
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 
"And what do you  have to declare from your waist to the floor?"  
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but  which is, to date, unused."  
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next please." 
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............................................ ..........................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Malaysia , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is  A sick eagle."
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level" 
The Hearse
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A  black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law.   She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck.'

funny jokes

Bill Gates: "So, how's heaven Steve?"
Steve Jobs: "Great it just doesn't have any walls or fences."
Bill Gates: "So...?"
Steve Jobs: "So, we don't need any Windows and Gates. I'm sorry Bill, I didn't mean to offend you."
Bill Gates: "It's ok Steve, but I heard a rumor."
Steve Jobs: "Oh, what rumor?"
Bill Gates: "That nobody is allowed to touch Apple there." 😀
Bill Gates : "and there are no Jobs in heaven"


Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When  girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted  Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love  u?
To see if u really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no  matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have  to do it  again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with
their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Life: Not really. It only  happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old  man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is
still  getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week.  Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced  them to : Hang Till Death !
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy  just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is
the result  of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would  you get?
And if it bursts in a man's  underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population  decreases & if a condom
blasts population increases.

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. 
The mother told her it was okay and explained what had happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what had happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom,
"I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
The Hypnotist...
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member
of the audience.
" Happy new year
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family
for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off
its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.
Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.
Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller
Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Tips for better sleep

Tips for better sleep

Like millions of other Americans, I often have trouble with insomnia — either I can't fall asleep, or I awake prematurely and am unable to get back to sleep. The following sleep tips, compiled from various sources, may prove helpful to some of my fellow insomniacs.
    * Only use your bed for sleeping or having sex, not for reading, doing paperwork, watching TV, snacking, or making phone calls.
    * If you've been lying in bed but are beginning to fear you're not going to drop off, try some of these techniques: Count sheep or count backwards from 100 (one of my favorites) to stop yourself from thinking about the problems of yesterday or tomorrow; breathe deeply for awhile; or visualize some peaceful place.
    * If you can't get to sleep after lying in bed for 30 minutes or more, get up for awhile. What to do? Try reading something incredibly boring.
    * Develop a bedtime routine.
    * Keep regular bedtime hours.
    * Before bedtime, avoid tobacco and caffeinated beverages (not just coffee, but other drinks like tea, cola, and Dr. Pepper).
    * Avoid alcohol right before bedtime — a nightcap might get your mind fuzzy enough to put you to sleep, but such sleep may be interrupted by periods of awakening. By contrast, the stress-lowering effect of a drink with dinner may help to promote sleep later.
    * Avoid naps (or falling asleep in front of boring TV programs, as I do).
    * Try to get up at the same time every day rather than sleeping in on weekends.
    * Exercise every day, but not shortly before bedtime since exercise gets the adrenaline going.
    * If you use an illuminated clock for a wakeup alarm, place it where you can't keep looking at it to check the time.
    * Buy a firm mattress and keep your bedroom well ventilated (a cool temperature works best for me).
    * And you might also try some of these: a warm bath, warm milk, light bedtime snack, massage, or quiet music (which turns itself off automatically).
    * Use earplugs for extreme quiet.
    * If you have a painful joint or a headache, take a pain pill before bedtime (but be sure it doesn't contain caffeine).
    * Avoid stimulating reading or television shows late at night.
If the insomnia stubbornly persists, check with your doctor to make sure some underlying health problem (such as depression, anxiety, hyperthyroidism, heart failure, or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) isn't keeping you awake. If all is well, you might ask for one of the several types of prescription sleeping pills that can be useful in the short term.

by Simeon Margolis, M.D., Ph.D.

Tips for Good sleeping

Tips for Good sleeping

A good night’s sleep makes you smarter, happier, boosts your immune system and overtime can actually slow the aging process. Everyone looks better and brighter when they’ve had a full 7-8 hours. Make sure you’re getting the shut-eye you need with these tips:
1) skip the second round
Alcohol is probably the substance used most often for sleep, reports a study in Principles and Practice of Sleep Medicine (it’s also a major ingredient in many over the- counter cold medications.) However, when you fall asleep under the influence, both the quantity and the quality of your sleep are adversely affected. Even small to moderate intakes of alcohol can suppress melatonin (a hormone that help regulate sleep), interfere with restorative N-REM cycles, and prevent dreaming, according to Rubin Naiman, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of medicine at the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and coauthor of Healthy Sleep.
Try moderate exercise instead to help you sleep better — and as a bonus, you’ll lose a few pounds. 
2) cut back on caffeine
Caffeine boosts alertness, activates stress hormones, and elevates heart rate and blood pressure — none of which are very helpful when you’re trying to get shut-eye. Some people are more sensitive than others to caffeine’s effects, and one’s sensitivity may be hereditary.  If you’re sensitive to caffeine, take note that its half-life — the time required by your body to break down half of it — can be as long as 7 hours. In other words, if you were to have your last cup of coffee at 1 pm, a quarter of the caffeine it contained could still remain in your system as late as 3 am. In women, estrogen may delay caffeine metabolism even further. Between ovulation and menstruation, you take about 25% longer to eliminate it, and if you’re on birth control pills, you take about twice the normal time. (Newer, low-estrogen pills may have less of an impact.)
3) open a window
Most sleep researchers advise keeping your bedroom cool, but not cold — the National Sleep Foundation recommends between 54 and 75°F. This is because a cool room makes it easier for your core body temperature to drop, which must occur for you to fall asleep. (Body temp reaches its lowest point about 4 hours after you nod off.) However, the thermostat is only part of the story: Proper air circulation and blankets that aren’t too heavy —a big problem in hotel rooms — can also facilitate a drop in body temperature.
A series of fascinating studies done in the past decade and a half by Swiss researchers Kurt Kräuchi and Anna Wirz-Justice, PhD, found an inverse relation between warm feet and cool body temp: When your feet and hands are warm, the blood vessels dilate, allowing heat to escape and body temperature to fall, initiating sleep. Conversely, when hands and feet are cold, the vessels constrict, retaining heat, which may keep you awake.
4) order the pasta at lunch, not dinner
It’s true that carbohydrates boost the sleep-inducing amino acid tryptophan in the blood, which in turn boosts serotonin. But don’t assume that a big plate of pasta will put you to sleep; in fact, as a general rule, anything that raises body temperature, including the consumption of calories, wrecks sleep. Plus, if you have any digestive problems such as heartburn or gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), eating a big  meal before bedtime is just asking for trouble.
5) use your alarm every day (even sundays)
Most experts insist that we regularize our sleep. They point to evidence that our circadian rhythm — the natural ebb and flow of energy levels throughout the day — thrives on consistency. The more predictable our sleep schedule, the better our bodies work, they say. But even those who argue this most strongly admit that, while it helps to keep a regular sleep-wake schedule, it may not be the complete answer.
According to researchers, even if insomniacs keep regular sleep patterns, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll sleep well or long enough, notes Kathryn Reid, PhD, a research assistant professor in the department of neurology at the Northwestern University Center for Sleep and Circadian Rhythm. Napping is an issue on which experts are also divided. Bottom line: try to get up and go to sleep at roughly the same time most days of the week.

by Liz Vaccariello, Editor-in-Chief, PREVENTION
sleeping tips, beauty tips