Sunday, July 19, 2015

funny jokes

A pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto.
 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
 
The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
 
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
 
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
???
 
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1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
 
 
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
 
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
 
 
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
 
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
 
 
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
 
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
 
 
5) Marriage:
 
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
 
 
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
 
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
 
 
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
 
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
 
 
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
 
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
 
 
9) Spelling lesson:
 
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
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