Sunday, July 19, 2015

funny jokes


Bill Gates: "So, how's heaven Steve?"
Steve Jobs: "Great it just doesn't have any walls or fences."
Bill Gates: "So...?"
Steve Jobs: "So, we don't need any Windows and Gates. I'm sorry Bill, I didn't mean to offend you."
Bill Gates: "It's ok Steve, but I heard a rumor."
Steve Jobs: "Oh, what rumor?"
Bill Gates: "That nobody is allowed to touch Apple there." 😀
Bill Gates : "and there are no Jobs in heaven"

 
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Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When  girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!
 
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted  Salty?!
 
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love  u?
To see if u really mean it!
 
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no  matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u have  to do it  again.
 
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with
their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
 
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Life: Not really. It only  happens once in 4 Years.
 
The stock markets now are like an old  man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is
still  getting fucked!
 
This week is Breast Awareness Week.  Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
 
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced  them to : Hang Till Death !
 
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy  just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
 
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is
the result  of standing cock.
 
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would  you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's  underwear?
Banana split.
 
What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population  decreases & if a condom
blasts population increases.
 
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
 
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
 
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
 
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. 
 
The mother told her it was okay and explained what had happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
 
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
 
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what had happened 16 years ago.
 
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom,
 
"I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
 
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
 
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The Hypnotist...
 
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member
of the audience.
 
" Happy new year
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family
for six generations."
 
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off
its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
 
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
 
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
 
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Q & A form jokes
 
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
 
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
 
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.
 
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.
 
Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.
 
Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
 
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
 
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
 
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
 
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
 
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
 
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
 
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
 
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
 
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
 
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
 
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
 
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
 
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
 
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.
 
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
 
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller
 
Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
 
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
 
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
 
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead
.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
 
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
 
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
 
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
 
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
 
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
 
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
 
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
 
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
 
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
 
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
 
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
 
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
 
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
 
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
 
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
 
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
 
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
 
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
 
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
 
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
 
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
 
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
 
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
 
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
 
 
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