Fun & Relax :)
Police: Where do you live?
Small boy: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Small boy: With me.
Police: And where do you all live?
Small boy: Together
Police: Where is Your Home?
Small boy: Beside my neighbours' house.
Police: Where is your neighbours' house?
Small boy: If I tell you, you will not believe me.
Police: Tell us?
Small boy: Next to my house. .....
Monday, February 3, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Tighten loose vagina vagina prolapse naturally
How to Tighten Vagina Naturally
- Childbirth especially multiple births
- Menopause: Estrogen is a hormone that helps keep the muscles and tissues of the pelvic support structure strong. After menopause, the estrogen level decreases, meaning that the support structures may weaken.
- Hysterectomy: A hysterectomy involves removing the uterus. Without the uterus, the top of the vagina may gradually fall toward the vaginal opening, so-called a vaginal vault prolapse.
Natural Vaginal tightening
- Kegel exercises
- Herbs that strengthening and tightening muscles at genital area especially vaginal wall muscles
- Curcuma comosa herb in tightening formula
- for very severe prolapse, 3rd degree vaginal prolapse or higher
Venus, Curcuma comosa in vaginal tightening formula is formulated by Thai herbalist medicine. Venus can help tighten muscles especially at genital area (to be specific - vaginal wall muscles). Venus tightens vagina prolapse and also bladder prolapse effectively which the results can be noticed within 1 or 2 bottles only.
Regina, Pueraria mirifica herb with high isoflavonone formula. Pueraria mirifica herb contains high isoflavone e.g. genistein, daidzein, daidzin, genistin andc Coumestrol that are usually found in soybeans. Isoflavones in Pueraria mirifica act as phytoestrogens in mammals. The estrogenic activity of Pueraria mirifica is much more potent than that of soy isoflavones.
Taking Regina can increase high level of natural estrogen.
Venus curcuma vagina tighetning pills works in a synergy with Regina pueraria high phytogenic pills to strenghten, tone and lift up the muscles in genital area effectively within a short period of time.
With more than 90% positive feedback
and customers told us that they do not require vaginal prolapse surgery any more.
Vagina tightening reviews from our customers
Hello,
This is my second order and would like to know if you can ship as soon as possible. Very satisfied with your product, tried another brand even have an additional bottle left, however their product does not measure up to yours. I saw results in as little as a week - especially in my face.
Thank you,
CHARLENE
(We hided her address and family name for her privacy)
United States
P.S. what are your ingredients as my Gyno would like to know.
--------------------------
Hi, my name is Colette (my nick name is Coco) and I just wanted to thank you so much for your herbs. I ordered the Curcuma comosa and the Pueranria mirifica. Both, I've had positive results with in a short amount of time!
I was a single mom of 6 children and theyre all grown now however I started dating after my last child graduated and have met a wonderful man and we are engaged to get married on Valentines Day next year. I was very concerned about how loose I was after having so many children and on my feet so much.
I started the Curcuma comosa and went through two jars and have just reordered more. I really felt a difference however it was proved when my mom recently moved in with me and again, I've been on my feet alot because she's ill. I so much noticed that I don't feel the pressure down there like before...already!! And I'm very grateful!
Coco, U.S.A.
-----------------------------
hello, i am a customer of yours for the curcuma comosa pills. when i first bought the bottle i could feel the pills working. i honestly felt my walls contracting. and when i had intercourse with my husband he came 3 times! so it was well worth buying and it worked.
Rosie, U.S.A.
------------------------------
I also do kegels, but what I have noticed with your Curcuma comosa is changes that I can feel and see. On the outside, my whole pubic area looks tighened, smaller and neater. Also, around my vagina opening it is closed and you cannot see the bladder prolapse. As far as what I feel, when I press around my vagina opening, it feels like the vagina muscle is tighter, because that area is firmer and feels stronger. If I push down hard, THEN I will see my bladder come down to the opening. If I don't push down, it just looks very neat, tighter and smaller.
Before I started taking the Curcumacomosa, I looked large down there, big mound and all. Also, before I started taking the Curcuma comosa, when I opened my legs and looked down I could see my vagina opening, and also my bladder at the vagina opening. It does not look like that now, because of the Curcuma comosa, :-)
Sheryl, U.S.A.
read more how to tighten vagina naturally...
Fun & Relax IV
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only !!!
----------------------------------------
Between the devil and the deep sea
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please .'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes' Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please .'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes' Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
----------------------------------
Mistakes & Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style
Mistakes & Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path
If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only !!!
----------------------------------------
A guy asked a girl in a library;
“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
The girl answered with a loud voice;
... "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy
and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock
and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
The girl answered with a loud voice;
... "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy
and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock
and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
Fun with Marriage
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding ,he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every
night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out
if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left iit where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Fun & Relax
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH.
A nice, pleasant and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband..... that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"*
A wife asked her husband to describe her .....
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K ?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!! : )
---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
A nice, pleasant and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband..... that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"*
A wife asked her husband to describe her .....
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K ?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!! : )
---------------------------------------------------------------
8 Bizarre Beauty Tricks
By Alexandra Gekas
Whether it's for antiaging creams, acne medicine or exfoliating scrubs, American women spend a bundle on maintaining their beauty. In fact, a 2008 YWCA report found that U.S. women dole out around $7 billion—roughly $100 per month—on cosmetics and beauty products. But there’s a select group who prefer to go the old-fashioned route, choosing cheaper skincare methods that use household goods. From removing makeup with vegetable shortening to dabbing hemorrhoid cream under the eyes, discover eight of the most bizarre ways women bolster their beauty routines.
No Stubble Left Behind
Reality TV star Caroline Manzo brought shaving to light on an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. She swears that shaving in the shower every day helps exfoliate her face, and is the secret to her flawless complexion. But, according to Joshua Zeichner, MD, director of cosmetic and clinical research at The Mount Sinai Medical Center’s dermatology department in New York City, it's probably not an ideal method for most women. "It isn't my first recommendation for exfoliating because it can cause irritation, which outweighs the rewards," he says. Whether you try it in the shower, like Manzo, or dry with cold cream like some bloggers suggest, just be sure to use a sterile, disposable razor. Photo: Shutterstock
Get Basted
And here we thought cooking spray was for our skillet! We stumbled across a beauty blog that suggested using the foodstuff—unscented, that is—after fake tanning to make your skin glow. According to Dr. Zeichner, people prone to skin irritation and allergies should be wary of this kind of at-home treatment. However, he does believe oil can improve the quality of your skin: "Modified oil and oils are commonly used on the skin to help moisturize and improve the integrity of the skin barrier," he says. "When your skin barrier looks good, the skin will have a more even tone and glow." Photo: Thinkstock
Wipe Away the Puffiness
In addition to dazzling eyeshadows and lustrous bronzers, every makeup artist has hemorrhoid cream in her arsenal. Yes, you read that right! Believe it or not, the cream is said to quickly reduce undereye puffiness and dark circles—and Dr. Zeichner agrees. "Hemorrhoid cream and nasal sprays contain chemicals that constrict blood vessels, so using those products is a trick you can use not only for circles under your eyes, but also for red marks such as pimples,” he says. Simply squeeze out a pea-size amount and dab under each eye, rubbing the cream in gently with your ring finger—then, before leaving home, rehearse a vague reply for when people ask how you got so gorgeous! Photo: iStockphoto
Jolt Cellulite into Submission
Sorry, Marilyn—on most busy days, coffee is actually a girl’s best friend. And it turns out it could be good for our lumps and bumps as well! Although a foolproof solution to cellulite remains elusive, Dr. Zeichner says coffee might help. "What caffeine does is it pulls water out so it can make cellulite appear less apparent rather than plumping up everything around it," he says. "It may also help reduce the number of fat cells. " Applying the coffee can be messy, but it’s worth a whirl: Mix ¼ to ½ cup coffee grounds (used ones from your coffeemaker are fine) with approximately 2 Tbsp of extra-virgin olive oil and massage into the affected areas, trying to get as much to stick as possible. Cover the area in plastic wrap and let it sit for 10 minutes before rinsing with warm water. Photo: iStockphoto
Stop Sagging Before It Stops You
Antidiarrheal medicines can play an, ahem, important role in your digestive life. But did you know that the liquid pink-colored kind can also help tighten your skin and shrink pores? At least that’s the claim by some beauty bloggers who swear by the stuff, applying it straight from the bottle with a cotton ball. Dr. Zeichner says the idea isn’t completely far-fetched, because these over-the-counter meds contain bismuth subsalicylate, which can be found in a slightly different form in cosmetics. Even so, Dr. Zeichner would shy away from using it on your face. "There are much better clay masks available commercially and inexpensively on the market," he says. Photo: iStockphoto
Make Fat Your Friend
This beauty trick is one of the oldest in the books—and for a reason: It works! Vegetable shortening as a makeup remover “has been used commonly, especially for patients with dry skin,” Dr. Zeichner says. “It's helpful for patients with more mature skin who may be looking for something with a bit more moisture," he says. Just be forewarned: Given its greasiness from the soybean oil, you’ll sport your fair share of shine throughout the day! Photo: Lisa Fain/Getty Images
Buy Your Body a Drink
According to The Black Book of Hollywood Beauty Secrets, actress Teri Hatcher uses red wine in her bath water to soften her skin. While it certainly sounds decadent, Dr. Zeichner questions its effectiveness: "Red wine is full of antioxidants that we know are beneficial to our overall health, but the challenge is making sure these antioxidants are actually absorbed into the skin," he says. "So putting a little red wine in the water won’t hurt, but it's about getting the antioxidants where they have to go." Enough said—we’ll drink to that advice! Photo: iStockphoto
Baby Your Zits
New mothers aren’t the only ones who are stocking up on diaper rash cream—it seems this product is catching on as an adult acne treatment as well! According to the site MyAcneRemedies.com, diaper rash cream helps zap zits quickly when it’s applied like regular pimple cream. Dr. Zeichner says new studies are showing this may be true. "There is recent evidence out there that diaper rash is caused by both irritation to the skin and by yeast, so most diaper creams contain antifungal medicines that are actually effective at treating the bacteria that causes acne." However, for the time being, Dr. Zeichner advises acne-prone individuals to stick with over-the-counter products that contain benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid.
By Alexandra Gekas
Whether it's for antiaging creams, acne medicine or exfoliating scrubs, American women spend a bundle on maintaining their beauty. In fact, a 2008 YWCA report found that U.S. women dole out around $7 billion—roughly $100 per month—on cosmetics and beauty products. But there’s a select group who prefer to go the old-fashioned route, choosing cheaper skincare methods that use household goods. From removing makeup with vegetable shortening to dabbing hemorrhoid cream under the eyes, discover eight of the most bizarre ways women bolster their beauty routines.
No Stubble Left Behind
Reality TV star Caroline Manzo brought shaving to light on an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. She swears that shaving in the shower every day helps exfoliate her face, and is the secret to her flawless complexion. But, according to Joshua Zeichner, MD, director of cosmetic and clinical research at The Mount Sinai Medical Center’s dermatology department in New York City, it's probably not an ideal method for most women. "It isn't my first recommendation for exfoliating because it can cause irritation, which outweighs the rewards," he says. Whether you try it in the shower, like Manzo, or dry with cold cream like some bloggers suggest, just be sure to use a sterile, disposable razor. Photo: Shutterstock
Get Basted
And here we thought cooking spray was for our skillet! We stumbled across a beauty blog that suggested using the foodstuff—unscented, that is—after fake tanning to make your skin glow. According to Dr. Zeichner, people prone to skin irritation and allergies should be wary of this kind of at-home treatment. However, he does believe oil can improve the quality of your skin: "Modified oil and oils are commonly used on the skin to help moisturize and improve the integrity of the skin barrier," he says. "When your skin barrier looks good, the skin will have a more even tone and glow." Photo: Thinkstock
Wipe Away the Puffiness
In addition to dazzling eyeshadows and lustrous bronzers, every makeup artist has hemorrhoid cream in her arsenal. Yes, you read that right! Believe it or not, the cream is said to quickly reduce undereye puffiness and dark circles—and Dr. Zeichner agrees. "Hemorrhoid cream and nasal sprays contain chemicals that constrict blood vessels, so using those products is a trick you can use not only for circles under your eyes, but also for red marks such as pimples,” he says. Simply squeeze out a pea-size amount and dab under each eye, rubbing the cream in gently with your ring finger—then, before leaving home, rehearse a vague reply for when people ask how you got so gorgeous! Photo: iStockphoto
Jolt Cellulite into Submission
Sorry, Marilyn—on most busy days, coffee is actually a girl’s best friend. And it turns out it could be good for our lumps and bumps as well! Although a foolproof solution to cellulite remains elusive, Dr. Zeichner says coffee might help. "What caffeine does is it pulls water out so it can make cellulite appear less apparent rather than plumping up everything around it," he says. "It may also help reduce the number of fat cells. " Applying the coffee can be messy, but it’s worth a whirl: Mix ¼ to ½ cup coffee grounds (used ones from your coffeemaker are fine) with approximately 2 Tbsp of extra-virgin olive oil and massage into the affected areas, trying to get as much to stick as possible. Cover the area in plastic wrap and let it sit for 10 minutes before rinsing with warm water. Photo: iStockphoto
Stop Sagging Before It Stops You
Antidiarrheal medicines can play an, ahem, important role in your digestive life. But did you know that the liquid pink-colored kind can also help tighten your skin and shrink pores? At least that’s the claim by some beauty bloggers who swear by the stuff, applying it straight from the bottle with a cotton ball. Dr. Zeichner says the idea isn’t completely far-fetched, because these over-the-counter meds contain bismuth subsalicylate, which can be found in a slightly different form in cosmetics. Even so, Dr. Zeichner would shy away from using it on your face. "There are much better clay masks available commercially and inexpensively on the market," he says. Photo: iStockphoto
Make Fat Your Friend
This beauty trick is one of the oldest in the books—and for a reason: It works! Vegetable shortening as a makeup remover “has been used commonly, especially for patients with dry skin,” Dr. Zeichner says. “It's helpful for patients with more mature skin who may be looking for something with a bit more moisture," he says. Just be forewarned: Given its greasiness from the soybean oil, you’ll sport your fair share of shine throughout the day! Photo: Lisa Fain/Getty Images
Buy Your Body a Drink
According to The Black Book of Hollywood Beauty Secrets, actress Teri Hatcher uses red wine in her bath water to soften her skin. While it certainly sounds decadent, Dr. Zeichner questions its effectiveness: "Red wine is full of antioxidants that we know are beneficial to our overall health, but the challenge is making sure these antioxidants are actually absorbed into the skin," he says. "So putting a little red wine in the water won’t hurt, but it's about getting the antioxidants where they have to go." Enough said—we’ll drink to that advice! Photo: iStockphoto
Baby Your Zits
New mothers aren’t the only ones who are stocking up on diaper rash cream—it seems this product is catching on as an adult acne treatment as well! According to the site MyAcneRemedies.com, diaper rash cream helps zap zits quickly when it’s applied like regular pimple cream. Dr. Zeichner says new studies are showing this may be true. "There is recent evidence out there that diaper rash is caused by both irritation to the skin and by yeast, so most diaper creams contain antifungal medicines that are actually effective at treating the bacteria that causes acne." However, for the time being, Dr. Zeichner advises acne-prone individuals to stick with over-the-counter products that contain benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid.
10 ways to look Younger now
By Melissa Matthews Brown
Missing your youthful glow and plump lips of years past? Learn how to take years off your look without heading to the dermatologist. Instead, try the following age-defying makeup tricks that'll give sagging skin a boost, deflate puffy eyes and more.
"I have puffy-looking eyes." - The fix: Wear eyeshadow
When lids are swollen they lose definition. Bring back depth with two shadows: one in a light color (try gold) and another in a medium shade like bronze. "Swirl both colors together with a brush before applying to your lids and just beyond the crease," says Silver. Estée Lauder Double Wear Stay-in-Place ShadowCreme in Antique Gold and Golden Sands, $17.50;
"My skin tone is uneven." - The fix: Wear full-coverage foundation
"An older complexion needs more coverage, not more product," says celebrity makeup artist Jake Bailey. Translation: Layering on a sheer formula isn't your best bet. Instead, Bailey recommends using a small amount of full-coverage liquid foundation. Since these formulas are denser, they're better at camouflaging imperfections. Use a foundation brush to apply color down the center of your face, then gently sweep it outward. Dermablend Smooth Indulgence SPF 20 Foundation, $30;
"How do I lift my droopy cheeks?" - The fix: Put on liquid highlighter
Have you noticed that the supple skin that once plumped up your cheeks has now headed south for your jawline? Don't panic, here's the trick: Smile wide and use the tip of your ring finger (it applies the lightest pressure on delicate aging skin) to gently tap liquid highlighter along your cheekbones, from just beyond the apples of your cheeks up toward your temples until you meet your hairline. "The product contains light-reflecting particles that draw the eye upward and away from droopy jowls," explains celebrity makeup artist Laura Geller, owner of Laura Geller Makeup. Benefit Cosmetics High Beam, $26;
"I look tired all the time." - The fix: Wear two shades of eyeliner
"Properly applied liner opens up your eyes by giving them definition," says Mally Roncal, celebrity makeup artist and owner of Mally Beauty. She suggests using creamy formulas since they will glide across lids without tugging at skin, creating a more seamless line. "Walk" black eyeliner across your top lashes using tiny back-and-forth motions, starting from the outer corner of your eye inward. But avoid dark colors on bottom-they'll only accentuate undereye circles. Instead, use a nude shade to brighten the area. Mally Beauty Mattewand Eye Brightener, $25; QVC.com. Revlon Luxurious Color Smoky Crayon in Black Smoke, $9.99; at drugstores.
"When I wear lipstick, it bleeds into the lines around my mouth."- The fix: Use lip stain
Nothing screams "I look older" louder than when your lipstick "feathers" or seeps into tiny lines surrounding lips. The simple solution is to swap your lipstick for a lip stain. "These matte formulas are quick-setting and don't bleed like creamier lipsticks," Bailey explains. If you prefer a shinier finish, wait for the stain to dry, then apply a moisturizing balm over lips. Laura Mercier Lip Stain, $20;
"I miss my youthful glow." - The fix: Swipe on cream blush
Know this: If you prefer to use powder blush (or foundation or eyeshadow, for that matter), proceed with caution. "Powders settle into fine lines, accentuating them," warns Bailey. Go for creams instead-they won't highlight imperfections and are more pigmented so you can use less. As for choosing a blush color, light skin works best with paler shades; darker complexions should go brighter. Hard Candy Hide & Glow Cheek Duo Cheek Tint in In Love, $6;
"How can I get the most out of my antiaging products?" - The fix: Coat skin with makeup primer
While you sleep, nighttime creams and serums boost cell turnover to reveal younger-looking skin. But they can't work if they rub off onto your pillow. Prevent this by applying a thin layer of primer to your face after you smooth them on. "A nickel-size amount should do the trick," says Roncal. Laura Geller Spackle Under Makeup Primer, $25;
"My lips are getting thinner." - The fix: Dab on clear gloss
Collagen production slows down with age, causing lips to lose their fullness. "To combat this, apply clear gloss to the center of your bottom lip and along the bow of your top lip," Geller says. The gloss attracts light to the thickest parts of your lips, plumping them. Elizabeth Arden Crystal Clear Lip Gloss, $14;
"I need an eye lift."- The fix: Curl your lashes and use mascara
"Curling is an important first step that will really open up your eyes," says celebrity makeup artist Melissa Silver. Also, since lashes tend to thin out as we age, sweep on a coat or two of a volumizing black mascara. "These mascaras are formulated with ingredients that condition and plump," Silver explains. Maybelline New York Falsies by Volum' Express Mascara, $7.77; at drugstores.
"My skin looks washed out."- The fix: Put on lipstick
If nothing else, swipe on lipstick before heading out the door in the morning. "Adding color to this focal point on your face instantly warms up your entire complexion," says Bailey. The best lip color to use? Berry. "It's the most universally flattering shade-great for every skin tone," he says. CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lip Color in Euphoria, $6.50; at drugstores.
Original article appeared on WomansDay.com.
By Melissa Matthews Brown
Missing your youthful glow and plump lips of years past? Learn how to take years off your look without heading to the dermatologist. Instead, try the following age-defying makeup tricks that'll give sagging skin a boost, deflate puffy eyes and more.
"I have puffy-looking eyes." - The fix: Wear eyeshadow
When lids are swollen they lose definition. Bring back depth with two shadows: one in a light color (try gold) and another in a medium shade like bronze. "Swirl both colors together with a brush before applying to your lids and just beyond the crease," says Silver. Estée Lauder Double Wear Stay-in-Place ShadowCreme in Antique Gold and Golden Sands, $17.50;
"My skin tone is uneven." - The fix: Wear full-coverage foundation
"An older complexion needs more coverage, not more product," says celebrity makeup artist Jake Bailey. Translation: Layering on a sheer formula isn't your best bet. Instead, Bailey recommends using a small amount of full-coverage liquid foundation. Since these formulas are denser, they're better at camouflaging imperfections. Use a foundation brush to apply color down the center of your face, then gently sweep it outward. Dermablend Smooth Indulgence SPF 20 Foundation, $30;
"How do I lift my droopy cheeks?" - The fix: Put on liquid highlighter
Have you noticed that the supple skin that once plumped up your cheeks has now headed south for your jawline? Don't panic, here's the trick: Smile wide and use the tip of your ring finger (it applies the lightest pressure on delicate aging skin) to gently tap liquid highlighter along your cheekbones, from just beyond the apples of your cheeks up toward your temples until you meet your hairline. "The product contains light-reflecting particles that draw the eye upward and away from droopy jowls," explains celebrity makeup artist Laura Geller, owner of Laura Geller Makeup. Benefit Cosmetics High Beam, $26;
"I look tired all the time." - The fix: Wear two shades of eyeliner
"Properly applied liner opens up your eyes by giving them definition," says Mally Roncal, celebrity makeup artist and owner of Mally Beauty. She suggests using creamy formulas since they will glide across lids without tugging at skin, creating a more seamless line. "Walk" black eyeliner across your top lashes using tiny back-and-forth motions, starting from the outer corner of your eye inward. But avoid dark colors on bottom-they'll only accentuate undereye circles. Instead, use a nude shade to brighten the area. Mally Beauty Mattewand Eye Brightener, $25; QVC.com. Revlon Luxurious Color Smoky Crayon in Black Smoke, $9.99; at drugstores.
"When I wear lipstick, it bleeds into the lines around my mouth."- The fix: Use lip stain
Nothing screams "I look older" louder than when your lipstick "feathers" or seeps into tiny lines surrounding lips. The simple solution is to swap your lipstick for a lip stain. "These matte formulas are quick-setting and don't bleed like creamier lipsticks," Bailey explains. If you prefer a shinier finish, wait for the stain to dry, then apply a moisturizing balm over lips. Laura Mercier Lip Stain, $20;
"I miss my youthful glow." - The fix: Swipe on cream blush
Know this: If you prefer to use powder blush (or foundation or eyeshadow, for that matter), proceed with caution. "Powders settle into fine lines, accentuating them," warns Bailey. Go for creams instead-they won't highlight imperfections and are more pigmented so you can use less. As for choosing a blush color, light skin works best with paler shades; darker complexions should go brighter. Hard Candy Hide & Glow Cheek Duo Cheek Tint in In Love, $6;
"How can I get the most out of my antiaging products?" - The fix: Coat skin with makeup primer
While you sleep, nighttime creams and serums boost cell turnover to reveal younger-looking skin. But they can't work if they rub off onto your pillow. Prevent this by applying a thin layer of primer to your face after you smooth them on. "A nickel-size amount should do the trick," says Roncal. Laura Geller Spackle Under Makeup Primer, $25;
"My lips are getting thinner." - The fix: Dab on clear gloss
Collagen production slows down with age, causing lips to lose their fullness. "To combat this, apply clear gloss to the center of your bottom lip and along the bow of your top lip," Geller says. The gloss attracts light to the thickest parts of your lips, plumping them. Elizabeth Arden Crystal Clear Lip Gloss, $14;
"I need an eye lift."- The fix: Curl your lashes and use mascara
"Curling is an important first step that will really open up your eyes," says celebrity makeup artist Melissa Silver. Also, since lashes tend to thin out as we age, sweep on a coat or two of a volumizing black mascara. "These mascaras are formulated with ingredients that condition and plump," Silver explains. Maybelline New York Falsies by Volum' Express Mascara, $7.77; at drugstores.
"My skin looks washed out."- The fix: Put on lipstick
If nothing else, swipe on lipstick before heading out the door in the morning. "Adding color to this focal point on your face instantly warms up your entire complexion," says Bailey. The best lip color to use? Berry. "It's the most universally flattering shade-great for every skin tone," he says. CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lip Color in Euphoria, $6.50; at drugstores.
Original article appeared on WomansDay.com.
Quick Ways to Lose Weight
The 51 fastest fat burners
Real life, fastest and natural, fat burners!
By Kate Ashford, Health.com
1. Catch the running bug. You’ll continue to burn fat after your jog: People who run for at least four hours a week melt more calories than non-runners, even when they’re not running, a Yale University School of Medicine study reports.
2. Crank it up early. Working out harder during the first half of your workout and taking it easier during the second burns up to 23 percent more fat than doing the opposite, according to a study from The College of New Jersey.
3 & 4. Go hard — and make it quick. Staying at 80 percent of your max heart rate for 40 minutes can amp your metabolism for 19 hours afterward, research published in Obesity notes. And doing a shorter workout at 75 percent of your max aerobic capacity will give you a greater metabolic boost than sweating longer at 50 percent, a Colorado State University reveals.
5 to 7. Lift dumbbells … slowly. More muscle equals mega metabolism boost. Strength training can help you trim major fat, research reveals — and doing super-slow (versus normal speed) reps increases strength by 50 percent.
Plus, using dumbbells activates more muscle fibers than using machines, explains Gregory Haff, Ph.D., an associate professor in the exercise physiology department at West Virginia University.
8. Speed up, slow down. Alternating bouts of high-intensity and low-intensity cardio has been shown to torch pounds.
9. Put on weight (literally). Wearing a weighted vest (about 10 percent of your body weight) while walking can boost your calorie burn by 8 percent.
10. Download Rihanna, not Brahms. Listening to up-tempo songs actually makes you run faster and harder than listening to slower-paced music, British scientists say.
11. Let kettlebells ring. Not only does working out with kettlebells build muscle, but doing it for 20 minutes burns as many calories as running at a 6-minute-mile pace for the same amount of time.
12. Keep it up. As few as 80 minutes a week of aerobic or weight training helps keep you from regaining belly fat after losing weight, according to researchers at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
13. Add poles. Use Nordic poles while you walk, and you’ll burn 20 percent more calories, says research from The Cooper Institute in Dallas.
14 & 15. Lift first, nix the rest. Doing strength training before cardio can torch more fat than cardio alone. And if you do one move after another without pausing, “you’ll see more gains in strength and muscle mass,” says Dr. Pierre Manfroy, M.D., consultant for the book “100 Ways to Supercharge Your Metabolism.”
16. Add pounds. Lift heavier weights for fewer reps to make your workout more intense — and burn more fat — Manfroy says.
17. Try aromatherapy. Exercisers who inhaled strawberry and buttered-popcorn scents torched more calories than those who sniffed neutral odors, according to research from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago.
18. Box yourself in. Wii boxing knocks out nearly twice as many calories as some other games, like Wii golf.
19. Kick it. Playing soccer not only torches more fat and builds more muscle than jogging, but it feels less tiring, Danish research reveals.
20. Stay in shape. Fit people have more fat-burning metabolites in their blood than couch potatoes do, scientists say.
22. Get more protein. Eating a protein-packed breakfast and lunch helps you burn more post-meal fat than if you eat lower-protein meals, according to Australian research.
23 & 24. Guzzle green tea — or coffee. Downing five 5-ounce cups of green tea a day boosts metabolism, says Lyssie Lakatos, R.D., author of “Fire Up Your Metabolism.” Two cups of coffee will also do the trick, one study shows.
25. Have an omelet. Eating two eggs for breakfast while dieting will help you trim more weight and body fat than if you ate the same amount of calories noshing on a bagel, scientists say.
26. Stay above 1,200 calories… “The average person’s body goes into starvation mode if she eats fewer than 1,200 calories a day,” says Eric Berg, author of “The 7 Principles of Fat Burning.” “That’s stress, and stress creates more belly fat.”
27. … and cut calories gradually. If you diet, don’t trim more than 250 calories a day. Cutting calories too quickly slows your metabolism down, Dr. Manfroy says.
28 to 33. Munch on these. Almonds, cherries, yogurt, grapefruit, whole grains, and spicy foods have all been shown to torch fat.
34. Fuel up right. Eating a low-glycemic-index breakfast (such as muesli and peaches) will help you burn more fat during a subsequent workout than eating a high-glycemic-index meal (like waffles), researchers from the University of Nottingham reveal.
35. Think before you drink. Sipping as few as 90 calories’ worth of vodka can slow your metabolism by 73 percent, one study shows.
36. Graze. Women who go without eating for long periods are more likely to have higher body-fat percentages than women who nosh more regularly, one study notes.
37. Dine like a Greek. Eating a diet rich in monounsaturated fat (think olive oil, avocados) can help trim both weight and fat, research published in the British Journal of Nutrition shows.
38. Stop gorging. Your body can only handle so much food at a time, so stick to 600 calories or less per meal to maximize fat-burning, says Leslie Cooper, co-author of “Flip the Switch: Proven Strategies to Fuel Your Metabolism and Burn Fat 24 Hours a Day.”
39. Skip juice. Reaching for an apple instead of apple juice is not only better calorie-wise, but it’ll also do a better job of boosting your metabolism, Dr. Manfroy explains.
41 & 42. Get C and D. Vitamin C can help you burn more fat, and D may help you lose fat, research notes. Aim for 400 to 500 mg of C and 800 mg of D a day.
43 & 44. Walk more (in denim). Researchers found that fitness-friendly offices (think treadmill desks, mobile headsets) helped people trim pounds and fat, as did wearing jeans to work, since dressing casual encourages you to move more. Wear comfy clothes when you can, pace while on the phone, and stand while chatting with co-workers.
45. Add fish oil (And work out). Taking 6 grams of fish oil per day and hitting the gym three times a week can help nix body fat, an Australian study reveals.
46. Work the day shift. Keeping nontraditional hours lowers levels of hormones that trigger satiety, increases blood glucose and insulin levels, and raises levels of the stress hormone cortisol (which can drive you to eat more), scientists say.
47. Nix the boob tube. Cut your TV time in half, and you’ll burn more calories each day, research from the University of Vermont suggests.
48. Go mental. People who visualized themselves training a specific muscle boosted the strength in that muscle group, researchers found.
49. Eat a smaller dinner. Your body may not digest food — and burn fat — as efficiently if you down a huge meal right before bedtime, especially because your metabolism is slower while you sleep, Dr. Manfroy says.
50. Jump-start your morning. Wake up your metabolism — and get fat-burning started — by doing some sort of exercise within the first few hours of being awake, Cooper suggests.
51. Get your snooze on. Sleep for a solid 81D 2 hours instead of 51D 2, according to research published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, and you’ll lose more fat. Sweet dreams!
The 51 fastest fat burners
Real life, fastest and natural, fat burners!
By Kate Ashford, Health.com
1. Catch the running bug. You’ll continue to burn fat after your jog: People who run for at least four hours a week melt more calories than non-runners, even when they’re not running, a Yale University School of Medicine study reports.
2. Crank it up early. Working out harder during the first half of your workout and taking it easier during the second burns up to 23 percent more fat than doing the opposite, according to a study from The College of New Jersey.
3 & 4. Go hard — and make it quick. Staying at 80 percent of your max heart rate for 40 minutes can amp your metabolism for 19 hours afterward, research published in Obesity notes. And doing a shorter workout at 75 percent of your max aerobic capacity will give you a greater metabolic boost than sweating longer at 50 percent, a Colorado State University reveals.
5 to 7. Lift dumbbells … slowly. More muscle equals mega metabolism boost. Strength training can help you trim major fat, research reveals — and doing super-slow (versus normal speed) reps increases strength by 50 percent.
Plus, using dumbbells activates more muscle fibers than using machines, explains Gregory Haff, Ph.D., an associate professor in the exercise physiology department at West Virginia University.
8. Speed up, slow down. Alternating bouts of high-intensity and low-intensity cardio has been shown to torch pounds.
9. Put on weight (literally). Wearing a weighted vest (about 10 percent of your body weight) while walking can boost your calorie burn by 8 percent.
10. Download Rihanna, not Brahms. Listening to up-tempo songs actually makes you run faster and harder than listening to slower-paced music, British scientists say.
11. Let kettlebells ring. Not only does working out with kettlebells build muscle, but doing it for 20 minutes burns as many calories as running at a 6-minute-mile pace for the same amount of time.
12. Keep it up. As few as 80 minutes a week of aerobic or weight training helps keep you from regaining belly fat after losing weight, according to researchers at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
13. Add poles. Use Nordic poles while you walk, and you’ll burn 20 percent more calories, says research from The Cooper Institute in Dallas.
14 & 15. Lift first, nix the rest. Doing strength training before cardio can torch more fat than cardio alone. And if you do one move after another without pausing, “you’ll see more gains in strength and muscle mass,” says Dr. Pierre Manfroy, M.D., consultant for the book “100 Ways to Supercharge Your Metabolism.”
16. Add pounds. Lift heavier weights for fewer reps to make your workout more intense — and burn more fat — Manfroy says.
17. Try aromatherapy. Exercisers who inhaled strawberry and buttered-popcorn scents torched more calories than those who sniffed neutral odors, according to research from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago.
18. Box yourself in. Wii boxing knocks out nearly twice as many calories as some other games, like Wii golf.
19. Kick it. Playing soccer not only torches more fat and builds more muscle than jogging, but it feels less tiring, Danish research reveals.
20. Stay in shape. Fit people have more fat-burning metabolites in their blood than couch potatoes do, scientists say.
22. Get more protein. Eating a protein-packed breakfast and lunch helps you burn more post-meal fat than if you eat lower-protein meals, according to Australian research.
23 & 24. Guzzle green tea — or coffee. Downing five 5-ounce cups of green tea a day boosts metabolism, says Lyssie Lakatos, R.D., author of “Fire Up Your Metabolism.” Two cups of coffee will also do the trick, one study shows.
25. Have an omelet. Eating two eggs for breakfast while dieting will help you trim more weight and body fat than if you ate the same amount of calories noshing on a bagel, scientists say.
26. Stay above 1,200 calories… “The average person’s body goes into starvation mode if she eats fewer than 1,200 calories a day,” says Eric Berg, author of “The 7 Principles of Fat Burning.” “That’s stress, and stress creates more belly fat.”
27. … and cut calories gradually. If you diet, don’t trim more than 250 calories a day. Cutting calories too quickly slows your metabolism down, Dr. Manfroy says.
28 to 33. Munch on these. Almonds, cherries, yogurt, grapefruit, whole grains, and spicy foods have all been shown to torch fat.
34. Fuel up right. Eating a low-glycemic-index breakfast (such as muesli and peaches) will help you burn more fat during a subsequent workout than eating a high-glycemic-index meal (like waffles), researchers from the University of Nottingham reveal.
35. Think before you drink. Sipping as few as 90 calories’ worth of vodka can slow your metabolism by 73 percent, one study shows.
36. Graze. Women who go without eating for long periods are more likely to have higher body-fat percentages than women who nosh more regularly, one study notes.
37. Dine like a Greek. Eating a diet rich in monounsaturated fat (think olive oil, avocados) can help trim both weight and fat, research published in the British Journal of Nutrition shows.
38. Stop gorging. Your body can only handle so much food at a time, so stick to 600 calories or less per meal to maximize fat-burning, says Leslie Cooper, co-author of “Flip the Switch: Proven Strategies to Fuel Your Metabolism and Burn Fat 24 Hours a Day.”
39. Skip juice. Reaching for an apple instead of apple juice is not only better calorie-wise, but it’ll also do a better job of boosting your metabolism, Dr. Manfroy explains.
41 & 42. Get C and D. Vitamin C can help you burn more fat, and D may help you lose fat, research notes. Aim for 400 to 500 mg of C and 800 mg of D a day.
43 & 44. Walk more (in denim). Researchers found that fitness-friendly offices (think treadmill desks, mobile headsets) helped people trim pounds and fat, as did wearing jeans to work, since dressing casual encourages you to move more. Wear comfy clothes when you can, pace while on the phone, and stand while chatting with co-workers.
45. Add fish oil (And work out). Taking 6 grams of fish oil per day and hitting the gym three times a week can help nix body fat, an Australian study reveals.
46. Work the day shift. Keeping nontraditional hours lowers levels of hormones that trigger satiety, increases blood glucose and insulin levels, and raises levels of the stress hormone cortisol (which can drive you to eat more), scientists say.
47. Nix the boob tube. Cut your TV time in half, and you’ll burn more calories each day, research from the University of Vermont suggests.
48. Go mental. People who visualized themselves training a specific muscle boosted the strength in that muscle group, researchers found.
49. Eat a smaller dinner. Your body may not digest food — and burn fat — as efficiently if you down a huge meal right before bedtime, especially because your metabolism is slower while you sleep, Dr. Manfroy says.
50. Jump-start your morning. Wake up your metabolism — and get fat-burning started — by doing some sort of exercise within the first few hours of being awake, Cooper suggests.
51. Get your snooze on. Sleep for a solid 81D 2 hours instead of 51D 2, according to research published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, and you’ll lose more fat. Sweet dreams!
23 Superfruits
By Benjamin Plackett
You've heard of Superfoods,
but…Superfruits? Not every fruit qualifies. Those deemed "super" by
nutrition scientists are packed with antioxidants, fiber, vitamins and
minerals, and other nutrients that can help you live longer, look
better, and even prevent disease.
Best of all, most are widely available, even at your local grocery store, promises Keri Glassman, R.D., founder of NutritiousLifeMeals.com and author of Slim Calm Sexy Diet. One caveat: Superfruits are best consumed whole, not processed. So if possible, try to buy and eat these fruits fresh. Experts estimate that you should be eating five to nine portions of fruit or vegetables a day, and most of them should be Superfruits.
Açaà Berries
Açaà actually deserves some of the hype it gets, thanks to weapons grade antioxidant levels that clobber other Superfruit rivals like blackberries, strawberries, and blueberries. However, because this tiny berry hails from Brazil, it's not easy to find fresh. "I recommend powdered açaà berry, which can be added into a smoothie," says Glassman. "Not only is this an easy way to get super fruits into your diet, but it also helps mask the tart, sometimes bitter taste."
Bananas
Ever grab a snack but then feel hungry again 20 minutes later? Next time, reach for a banana. This Superfruit is loaded with potassium, which can lower your blood pressure, and is one of the best sources of Resistant Starch, a healthy carb that fills you up and helps to boost your metabolism.
Blackberries
These tart and tasty gems rank in the top 10 for antioxidant power, according to the USDA, and they are specifically rich in polyphenols, the same family of antioxidants found in green tea, which may help prevent cardiovascular disease, cancers, and osteoporosis. Blackberries are also number one for fiber: One cup delivers one-third of your daily target of 25 to 35 grams a day.
Blueberries
Your go-to Superfruit for brain function and memory. Several studies link high flavonoid levels in blueberries with a better memory, and regular consumption may help keep your brain functioning well as you age, new research suggests. One study found that women with the highest intake of berries appeared to have a delay in cognitive aging by a whopping 2.5 years. Blueberries are also rich in manganese, which plays an important role in your metabolism, which can help keep you slim and energized.
Blueberries
Your go-to Superfruit for brain function and memory. Several studies link high flavonoid levels in blueberries with a better memory, and regular consumption may help keep your brain functioning well as you age, new research suggests. One study found that women with the highest intake of berries appeared to have a delay in cognitive aging by a whopping 2.5 years. Blueberries are also rich in manganese, which plays an important role in your metabolism, which can help keep you slim and energized.
Cantaloupe
Consider cantaloupe your secret weapon for smooth, younger-looking skin. It gets its Superfruit status thanks to Vitamin A and its derivatives, which boosts cell reproduction, making it a natural exfoliator, according to Glassman.
Cherries
Cherries are one of Glassman's unsung heroes of the Superfruit world. They owe their deep red color to an antioxidant called anthocyanin, which can reduce inflammation and lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels. In a recent study, University of Michigan researchers found that giving cherries to lab rats reduced two common markers of blood vessel inflammation by up to 50%. The cherry eaters also gained less weight and experienced big drops in cholesterol.
Citrus fruits
All citrus, from limes to tangerines, are chock-full of vitamin C, fiber, and small amounts of other nutrients and disease-fighting chemicals. It's the C that makes citrus a Superfruit, says Glassman, because this vitamin counters the effects of sun damage, regulates oils glands, and can even prevent age spots.
Cranberries
These tart little berries are Superfruits, but especially for women. They may prevent urinary-tract infections, and might help fight a far scarier disease: ovarian cancer. According to a new Rutgers University study, cranberries can boost the effectiveness of chemotherapy drugs used to fight ovarian cancer (at least in laboratory culture dishes) and may slow the growth of some cancer cells. Another study found that people who drink a glass of unsweetened cranberry juice each day raise their HDL, or good cholesterol, by 10%.
Dragon fruit
The name and vibrant color of this fruit's skin tell you that it's something special, even though the taste is actually quite mild. Four years ago, researchers from Malaysia's Universiti Putra analyzed the seeds and found there to be a bounty of essential fatty acids, which we need but can't be made by our body. In fact, 50% of the seeds were made up of an essential fatty acid, oleic acid, which helps lower bad cholesterol and raise good cholesterol. While this Superfruit is grown mainly in Asia, you might be able to find one at your local Chinatown or farmer's market.
Grapes
What makes grapes a Superfruit? A powerful antioxidant called resveratrol, which promotes a healthy heart. Researchers have also found that compounds found in grape seed extract seem to help slow Alzheimer's disease (at least in mice) and can clobber head and neck cancer cells grown in the laboratory. Oh, and forget bleaching your teeth. "The malic acid in grapes naturally breaks down stains and discolorations on teeth," says Elisa Mello, DDS, assistant clinical professor at New York University. Snack on grapes that are just ripe, because the acid declines as the fruit ripens.
Grapefruit
Remember The Grapefruit Diet? Grapefruit is a Superfruit, but more for your heart than your weight. A grapefruit a day—particularly the ruby variety—can help keep heart disease at bay by lowering cholesterol, according to several studies. The redder your fruit the better; they contain higher levels of antioxidants.
Kiwi
If you've got digestive gripes, then kiwi is your Superfuit. In one study, 41 people who had irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) consumed two kiwis a day for six weeks and reported a reduction of symptoms compared to those who didn't. One theory: Kiwi, especially the skin, is high in fiber and pre-biotic complex carbohydrates.
Oranges
If you manage to eat just one medium orange, then you'll already have your reached recommended daily intake of vitamin C, which keeps your immune system humming. This familiar sweet fruit is also a great source of fiber, potassium, calcium, folate, and other B vitamins, so take one with your everywhere you go.
Plums
Plums are yum—and they may help keep anxiety at bay. Plums contain an antioxidant called chlorogenic acid, which, according to French researchers, is linked to decrease in anxiety-related behaviors in mice.
Pomegranate
Pomegranates deserve their Superfruit status. The juice from this gorgeous fruit beat red wine to win first place in a list of beverages ranked by antioxidant levels in a University of California, Los Angeles study. However, if you are set on fresh pomegranate over juice, wait for winter; the fruit is at its best between September and February.
Strawberries
Strawberries are bursting with vitamin C; just a cup full and you've already reached your recommended daily intake. They are also an excellent source of folic acid, which can help protect your heart. Easiest of all, they whiten your teeth naturally! Crush a strawberry to a pulp, then mix with baking soda until blended. Spread the mixture onto your teeth and leave on for 5 minutes. Reapply once a week.
Pineapple
Not only does pineapple add juicy sweetness to your meals but it also contains bromelain, a digestive enzyme that helps break down food to reduce bloating.
Tomatoes
The tomato pretty much tops our list of Superfruits (even though some people still think it's a vegetable). Tomatoes pack a sought-after antioxidant called lycopene, which is rarely found in other Superfruits, and they're high in vitamin C, potassium, and fiber, and super-low in calories.
Papayas
Summer colds are the worst, so have some papaya! This tropical fruit is bursting with vitamin C – just one cup gives you more than you need each day. On top of this, papaya is also a good source of vitamins A and E, two powerful antioxidants that may help protect against heart disease and colon cancer.
Raspberries
Fiber is not something that these berries are lacking; just half a cup would give you 4 grams. You'd also get 25% of your recommended intake for vitamin C and manganese too!
Avocados
Yup, these are a Superfruit (remember, fruits have seeds, vegetables don't). Packed with monounsaturated fat and fatty acids,
avocados can help lower LDL (bad cholesterol) levels while raising the amount of good cholesterol in your body. The healthy fats in avocados also promote the absorption of other carotenoids—especially beta-carotene and lycopene—which are essential for heart health.
Pumpkin & pumpkin seeds
Yes pumpkin is actually a fruit! This squash is overflowing with beta-carotene, which combined with potassium may help to prevent high blood pressure. If making homemade pumpkin pie is too much trouble, try tossing the seeds into salads, soups, etc.
Watermelon
Watermelon is packed with lycopene; in fact just one cup of the stuff has more than twice as much compared to fresh tomato. At just 40 calories per cup, it's also a source of vitamins A and C. You needn't limit yourself to eating watermelon alone; grill and then toss with feta and fresh mint.
By Benjamin Plackett
Packed with a punch
You've heard of Superfoods,
but…Superfruits? Not every fruit qualifies. Those deemed "super" by
nutrition scientists are packed with antioxidants, fiber, vitamins and
minerals, and other nutrients that can help you live longer, look
better, and even prevent disease.Best of all, most are widely available, even at your local grocery store, promises Keri Glassman, R.D., founder of NutritiousLifeMeals.com and author of Slim Calm Sexy Diet. One caveat: Superfruits are best consumed whole, not processed. So if possible, try to buy and eat these fruits fresh. Experts estimate that you should be eating five to nine portions of fruit or vegetables a day, and most of them should be Superfruits.
Açaà Berries
Açaà actually deserves some of the hype it gets, thanks to weapons grade antioxidant levels that clobber other Superfruit rivals like blackberries, strawberries, and blueberries. However, because this tiny berry hails from Brazil, it's not easy to find fresh. "I recommend powdered açaà berry, which can be added into a smoothie," says Glassman. "Not only is this an easy way to get super fruits into your diet, but it also helps mask the tart, sometimes bitter taste."
Apples
Surprise! America's favorite fruit is a secret Superfruit, thanks in part to its red or green color. Apples are a great fiber source, but the skin contains quercetin, an antioxidant that packs antihistamine and anti-inflammatory power, and therefore may help protect you from heart disease and possibly allergic reactions. A study from St. George's Hospital Medical School in London found that people who eat five or more apples a week have better lung function than those who don't. So slip an apple into your lunch bag today.Bananas
Ever grab a snack but then feel hungry again 20 minutes later? Next time, reach for a banana. This Superfruit is loaded with potassium, which can lower your blood pressure, and is one of the best sources of Resistant Starch, a healthy carb that fills you up and helps to boost your metabolism.
Blackberries
These tart and tasty gems rank in the top 10 for antioxidant power, according to the USDA, and they are specifically rich in polyphenols, the same family of antioxidants found in green tea, which may help prevent cardiovascular disease, cancers, and osteoporosis. Blackberries are also number one for fiber: One cup delivers one-third of your daily target of 25 to 35 grams a day.
Blueberries
Your go-to Superfruit for brain function and memory. Several studies link high flavonoid levels in blueberries with a better memory, and regular consumption may help keep your brain functioning well as you age, new research suggests. One study found that women with the highest intake of berries appeared to have a delay in cognitive aging by a whopping 2.5 years. Blueberries are also rich in manganese, which plays an important role in your metabolism, which can help keep you slim and energized.
Blueberries
Your go-to Superfruit for brain function and memory. Several studies link high flavonoid levels in blueberries with a better memory, and regular consumption may help keep your brain functioning well as you age, new research suggests. One study found that women with the highest intake of berries appeared to have a delay in cognitive aging by a whopping 2.5 years. Blueberries are also rich in manganese, which plays an important role in your metabolism, which can help keep you slim and energized.
Cantaloupe
Consider cantaloupe your secret weapon for smooth, younger-looking skin. It gets its Superfruit status thanks to Vitamin A and its derivatives, which boosts cell reproduction, making it a natural exfoliator, according to Glassman.
Cherries
Cherries are one of Glassman's unsung heroes of the Superfruit world. They owe their deep red color to an antioxidant called anthocyanin, which can reduce inflammation and lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels. In a recent study, University of Michigan researchers found that giving cherries to lab rats reduced two common markers of blood vessel inflammation by up to 50%. The cherry eaters also gained less weight and experienced big drops in cholesterol.
Citrus fruits
All citrus, from limes to tangerines, are chock-full of vitamin C, fiber, and small amounts of other nutrients and disease-fighting chemicals. It's the C that makes citrus a Superfruit, says Glassman, because this vitamin counters the effects of sun damage, regulates oils glands, and can even prevent age spots.
Cranberries
These tart little berries are Superfruits, but especially for women. They may prevent urinary-tract infections, and might help fight a far scarier disease: ovarian cancer. According to a new Rutgers University study, cranberries can boost the effectiveness of chemotherapy drugs used to fight ovarian cancer (at least in laboratory culture dishes) and may slow the growth of some cancer cells. Another study found that people who drink a glass of unsweetened cranberry juice each day raise their HDL, or good cholesterol, by 10%.
Dragon fruit
The name and vibrant color of this fruit's skin tell you that it's something special, even though the taste is actually quite mild. Four years ago, researchers from Malaysia's Universiti Putra analyzed the seeds and found there to be a bounty of essential fatty acids, which we need but can't be made by our body. In fact, 50% of the seeds were made up of an essential fatty acid, oleic acid, which helps lower bad cholesterol and raise good cholesterol. While this Superfruit is grown mainly in Asia, you might be able to find one at your local Chinatown or farmer's market.
Grapes
What makes grapes a Superfruit? A powerful antioxidant called resveratrol, which promotes a healthy heart. Researchers have also found that compounds found in grape seed extract seem to help slow Alzheimer's disease (at least in mice) and can clobber head and neck cancer cells grown in the laboratory. Oh, and forget bleaching your teeth. "The malic acid in grapes naturally breaks down stains and discolorations on teeth," says Elisa Mello, DDS, assistant clinical professor at New York University. Snack on grapes that are just ripe, because the acid declines as the fruit ripens.
Grapefruit
Remember The Grapefruit Diet? Grapefruit is a Superfruit, but more for your heart than your weight. A grapefruit a day—particularly the ruby variety—can help keep heart disease at bay by lowering cholesterol, according to several studies. The redder your fruit the better; they contain higher levels of antioxidants.
Kiwi
If you've got digestive gripes, then kiwi is your Superfuit. In one study, 41 people who had irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) consumed two kiwis a day for six weeks and reported a reduction of symptoms compared to those who didn't. One theory: Kiwi, especially the skin, is high in fiber and pre-biotic complex carbohydrates.
Oranges
If you manage to eat just one medium orange, then you'll already have your reached recommended daily intake of vitamin C, which keeps your immune system humming. This familiar sweet fruit is also a great source of fiber, potassium, calcium, folate, and other B vitamins, so take one with your everywhere you go.
Plums
Plums are yum—and they may help keep anxiety at bay. Plums contain an antioxidant called chlorogenic acid, which, according to French researchers, is linked to decrease in anxiety-related behaviors in mice.
Pomegranate
Pomegranates deserve their Superfruit status. The juice from this gorgeous fruit beat red wine to win first place in a list of beverages ranked by antioxidant levels in a University of California, Los Angeles study. However, if you are set on fresh pomegranate over juice, wait for winter; the fruit is at its best between September and February.
Strawberries
Strawberries are bursting with vitamin C; just a cup full and you've already reached your recommended daily intake. They are also an excellent source of folic acid, which can help protect your heart. Easiest of all, they whiten your teeth naturally! Crush a strawberry to a pulp, then mix with baking soda until blended. Spread the mixture onto your teeth and leave on for 5 minutes. Reapply once a week.
Pineapple
Not only does pineapple add juicy sweetness to your meals but it also contains bromelain, a digestive enzyme that helps break down food to reduce bloating.
Tomatoes
The tomato pretty much tops our list of Superfruits (even though some people still think it's a vegetable). Tomatoes pack a sought-after antioxidant called lycopene, which is rarely found in other Superfruits, and they're high in vitamin C, potassium, and fiber, and super-low in calories.
Papayas
Summer colds are the worst, so have some papaya! This tropical fruit is bursting with vitamin C – just one cup gives you more than you need each day. On top of this, papaya is also a good source of vitamins A and E, two powerful antioxidants that may help protect against heart disease and colon cancer.
Raspberries
Fiber is not something that these berries are lacking; just half a cup would give you 4 grams. You'd also get 25% of your recommended intake for vitamin C and manganese too!
Avocados
Yup, these are a Superfruit (remember, fruits have seeds, vegetables don't). Packed with monounsaturated fat and fatty acids,
avocados can help lower LDL (bad cholesterol) levels while raising the amount of good cholesterol in your body. The healthy fats in avocados also promote the absorption of other carotenoids—especially beta-carotene and lycopene—which are essential for heart health.
Pumpkin & pumpkin seeds
Yes pumpkin is actually a fruit! This squash is overflowing with beta-carotene, which combined with potassium may help to prevent high blood pressure. If making homemade pumpkin pie is too much trouble, try tossing the seeds into salads, soups, etc.
Watermelon
Watermelon is packed with lycopene; in fact just one cup of the stuff has more than twice as much compared to fresh tomato. At just 40 calories per cup, it's also a source of vitamins A and C. You needn't limit yourself to eating watermelon alone; grill and then toss with feta and fresh mint.
How to Reduce Smile Lines
How to reduce smile lines with facial exercises
By Keeley Selvage, eHow contributor
Smile lines are those folds that appear on either side of the lips running down from the nose. These lines give a bitter and aged look to the face. Facial exercises targeting the mouth and cheek areas increase blood flow and improve muscle tone leaving your skin looking youthful and healthy. Read on to learn how to reduce smile lines with facial exercises.
1. Pull both the upper and lower lips slightly inward and hold them tight. Now blow air inside your mouth so the area around your mouth expands. Stay in this position for a count of five and release. Repeat for three sets.
2. Lie down comfortably and relax your face. Pucker your lips and suck in the corners of your mouth slightly like making a fish face. Hold for five counts and relax. Repeat three times.
3. Make a small "O" shape with your mouth having your lips slightly parted. Keep them tight and smile from the corners of your mouth. Feel the cheek muscles move. Hold for three seconds and relax. Repeat this exercise five times.
4. Keep your lips together and face relaxed. Move the corners of your lips away in a wide smile. Feel the muscles on your cheekbone lifting up. If you have higher cheekbones causing your eyes to squeeze while doing this exercise, gently lift your eyebrows to open up your eyes.
5. Smile widely with your lips parted. Squeeze the sides of your cheek to work the corner of your mouth. Repeat five times.
By Keeley Selvage, eHow contributor
Smile lines are those folds that appear on either side of the lips running down from the nose. These lines give a bitter and aged look to the face. Facial exercises targeting the mouth and cheek areas increase blood flow and improve muscle tone leaving your skin looking youthful and healthy. Read on to learn how to reduce smile lines with facial exercises.
1. Pull both the upper and lower lips slightly inward and hold them tight. Now blow air inside your mouth so the area around your mouth expands. Stay in this position for a count of five and release. Repeat for three sets.
2. Lie down comfortably and relax your face. Pucker your lips and suck in the corners of your mouth slightly like making a fish face. Hold for five counts and relax. Repeat three times.
3. Make a small "O" shape with your mouth having your lips slightly parted. Keep them tight and smile from the corners of your mouth. Feel the cheek muscles move. Hold for three seconds and relax. Repeat this exercise five times.
4. Keep your lips together and face relaxed. Move the corners of your lips away in a wide smile. Feel the muscles on your cheekbone lifting up. If you have higher cheekbones causing your eyes to squeeze while doing this exercise, gently lift your eyebrows to open up your eyes.
5. Smile widely with your lips parted. Squeeze the sides of your cheek to work the corner of your mouth. Repeat five times.
How to Reduce Smile Lines II
How to Reduce smile lines on the mouth I
By Erin Ringwald, eHow Contributor
By Erin Ringwald, eHow Contributor
Things You'll Need
New Optimism on Resveratrol
The New York Times/Well blog
The New York Times/Well blog
March 11, 2013
A cloud has long hung over the intriguing thesis that resveratrol,
a minor ingredient of red wine, activates cellular proteins known as
sirtuins that promote longer life in laboratory worms, flies and mice.
Critics have suggested that there
were errors in the original experiments and that resveratrol did not in
fact activate sirtuins directly. If so, resveratrol would lose much of
its scientific interest because its link to the sirtuin would be
unclear. But a new study led by David Sinclair of the Harvard Medical
School, who in 2003 was a discoverer of resveratrol’s role in activating
sirtuins, found that resveratrol did indeed influence sirtuin directly,
though in a more complicated way than previously thought. Resveratrol
appears to work by changing the shape of the sirtuin proteins in a cell.
Thus activated, the sirtuins do several things, one of which is to
switch on a second protein that spurs production of the mitochondria,
which provide the cell’s energy. This would explain why mice treated
with resveratrol ran twice as far on a treadmill before collapsing from
exhaustion as untreated mice.
The exact knowledge of resveratrol’s mode of action, if confirmed, is welcome news for Sirtris, the company Dr. Sinclair helped found to explore whether resveratrol-mimicking drugs could avert the diseases of aging. Resveratrol itself is not ideal as a drug, for technical and patent reasons.
The exact knowledge of resveratrol’s mode of action, if confirmed, is welcome news for Sirtris, the company Dr. Sinclair helped found to explore whether resveratrol-mimicking drugs could avert the diseases of aging. Resveratrol itself is not ideal as a drug, for technical and patent reasons.
A version of this article appeared in print on 03/12/2013, on page D4 of the NewYork edition with the headline: Nutrition: New Optimism on Resveratrol.
Fun & Relax ---Smiles to keep mental health :)
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hairdryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under Your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next please."
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
..................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............................................ ..........................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
.......................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
......................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
.......................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
.......................................................................
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
.......................................................................
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
.......................................................................
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
.......................................................................
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
.......................................................................
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Malaysia , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
.......................................................................
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle."
.......................................................................
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
.......................................................................
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
The Hearse
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
.
.
'I think you're bad luck.'
A touching story
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Looking at Others
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hairdryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under Your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next please."
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
..................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............................................ ..........................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
.......................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
......................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
.......................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
.......................................................................
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
.......................................................................
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
.......................................................................
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
.......................................................................
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
.......................................................................
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Malaysia , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
.......................................................................
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle."
.......................................................................
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
.......................................................................
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
The Hearse
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
.
.
'I think you're bad luck.'
A touching story
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Looking at Others
HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT
WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People
who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my
watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?
2
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change
the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When
something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there
has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8
When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didn't know we had a choice."
???
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didn't know we had a choice."
???
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
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