Sunday, July 19, 2015

funny jokes

Marriage (Part I )
 
       
Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding ,he laid down the following rules:
 
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
 
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
 
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
 
give me a hard time about it.
 
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
 
His new bride said:
 
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
 
 
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
 
 
 
  ************************************************
 
 Marriage (Part II)
 

 
 Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
 
 The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
 
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
 
  'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
 
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
 
 
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
 

 
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
 
 Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
 
 Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
 
After some time he realizes he was nasty and  decides to make amends and rings her up.
 
 She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
 
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
 
She says, 'I was in bed.'
 
 'In bed this early, doing what?'
 
 'Getting a second opinion!' 
 
 (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
 
 
*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)
 
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. 
 
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
 
One night, they go to a party.  The man decides  that it IS time to go home and wants to find out
 
if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice,
 
'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
 
 His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
 
'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' 
 
 (RIGHT ON, LADY!) 
 
 
*****************************************
   
THE SILENT TREATMENT 
 
 A man and his wife were having some problems at home  and were giving each other the silent treatment.
 
 Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence  (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left iit where he knew she would find it.
 
 The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was  9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
 
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
 
 The paper  said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.   
 
 God may have created man before woman, but there  is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
 
.......................................................................
 
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
 
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
 
The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his side of the story.
 
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
 
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
 
Don't laugh, he won!
 
.......................................................................
   
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
 
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
 
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
 
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
 
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
 
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
 
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
 
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
 
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
 
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
 
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
 
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
 
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
 
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
 
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
 
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."?
 
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