funny jokes

A touching story    
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
 
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
 
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad
news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
 
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
 
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
 
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Looking at Others  
 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
 
 MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST  APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
 
 COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? 
 
 UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. 
 
 AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 
 
 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
 
 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
 
 HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
 
 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
 
 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED,  FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
 
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone  
 
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
 
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 
 
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?    
 
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!  
 
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.    
 
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 
 
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.   
 
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 
 
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?