A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hairdryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under Your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next please."
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
..................................................................
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............................................ ..........................
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
.......................................................................
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
......................................................................
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
.......................................................................
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
.......................................................................
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
.......................................................................
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
.......................................................................
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
.......................................................................
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
.......................................................................
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Malaysia , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
.......................................................................
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
And 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is A sick eagle."
.......................................................................
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
.......................................................................
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
The Hearse
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?' 'What dear?', she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
.
.
'I think you're bad luck.'
A touching story
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Looking at Others
HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT
WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE
HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People
who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my
watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?
2
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change
the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When
something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there
has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8
When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didn't know we had a choice."
???
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I didn't know we had a choice."
???
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful.. ..is it one c or two c?
No comments:
Post a Comment